Mondays

I have a recurring case of the "Mondays" Not just because I have to return to work. Mondays are ruff days for him. He pretty much always fails on Mondays. If a Monday goes by and he does not have a drink, it is then that I get my hopes up. It hurts. It hurts that he tries hard to get himself together when it is a day he has to work. But if it is a day just around us. It's not his top priority. Keeping my family together has been my top priority from the get go. It has been exhausting and lonely. I need to work. I don't have much pto to spare with our upcoming vacation, the oldest's ortho appts,the baby's chronic ear infections, and calling in when he couldn't function. But then I worry. Will he pass out when he should be watching my babies? Will he get frustrated with them? He has been that angry drunk before. It was horrible to witness. I don't like remembering it. I came across a blog today about a wife of an alcholic. She made a list of what it is like to be married to one. I kept some the same but adapted a few to fit my life. ■waiting up into the early hours of the morning, wondering whether your partner has been killed in an accident. ■trying to ignore the guilt you feel at the relief that thought brings you ■listening to the cars that drive by, or car doors that open, wondering if its him. ■thinking up plausible explanations for why daddy died for your 4 young kids ■wondering whether to call the cops or if they will knock at your door with him in tow ■ringing his phone obsessively to find out where he is ■listening to him tell you he is coming home right now, while knowing he won’t turn up for another 2-3 hours ■praying he won’t crap his pants again ■hoping he doesn’t try to cook something in the middle of the night – and forget about it while it’s on the gas stove hoping he doesn't pass out while watching your kids ■cleaning up his vomit ■single-handedly managing your home and children ■making friends with loneliness